Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Toothbrush = Whore?

I’ve been talking to some of my…colourful (read: slutty) friends lately about the One Night Stand (ONS). Let’s be real – everyone has had at least one. If you claim that you haven’t, you either have an excruciatingly boring sex life, or you just don’t remember being roofied. For the 99% of you who have woken up with a pounding headache in a pile of used condoms and discarded pubes, read on.

People engage in the ONS for a variety of reasons. Maybe you just got dumped by The One and you want to use your Vajessica as revenge. Maybe you’re having a January whore-a-thon with your roommates and the loser has to pay this month’s rent. Maybe whenever you get wasted you somehow always trip and land on a cock. Or maybe you just really like a little ass-to-mouth action but can never face the other person(s) the next morning. No matter. Even if you “weren’t planning” on some ONS action on a given night, you really can’t fool yourself into thinking that it wasn’t in the realm of possibility when you shaved your balls or put on your fuck-me heels and proceeded to make love to a bottle of Jack Daniel’s (or three) before hitting up that bar on the other side of town.

Fast forward to 2:39 am. You’ve just stumbled into your ONS partner’s house after carefully selecting him or her from the throngs of wilful participants in the crowd. And by “carefully selecting” I mean he or she was breathing, not puking on you (yet) and appeared to be a member of the human race. Anyskank, you get there, and with the last ounce of not-passing-out you can muster, you coyly and (you think) seductively whisper “I just need a minute in the bathroom to brush my teeth.” At this point, Captain ONS replies “oh, cool – do you need a toothbrush?” to which you demurely giggle “no, I brought one.” The standard reply: “Ooooh! Sommeeeonnne came prepared!” followed by an unsuccessful one-eyed wink and smarmy sex-smirk.

“Um…yeah. Well, I always carry one on me” you retort defensively.

“Hehe. Suuuuure you do.” Obnoxious eye brow up-and-down move.

In your head you were thinking “Thank sweet Jesus I thought to bring this – I’m such a fucking genius!!” So why does this ONS dirt-pig seem to be judging you? After all, you were just trying to ensure that after 19 jager bombs and an order of extra large nachos your mouth didn’t taste like dead babies. But all your randy partner-in-slime can do is drool and dive for your crotch in excitement. How is this improving your current situation? Since when did carrying a toothbrush become the International “My Gennies (new word) Have Taken a Serious Beating” signal?

Some of my recent polling results indicate that some people find it less “obvious” if the ONS party whose home (/car / elevator / parking lot / parents’ basement) you end up in has extra toothbrushes on hand to offer their mistake-in-the-making. This Humble Harlot doesn’t understand this reasoning. If I went to someone’s house and they whipped out a handful of extra toothbrushes I’d probably think I had about a 45 minute time slot before the next warm body rang the doorbell. Unless they were a dentist. Then I’d throw on a surgical mask, strap myself into that sexy chair and….I’ve said too much. Anygums, I guess that makes me a judgmental scunt too.

I suppose the moral of the whory is, next time you’re about to put a complete stranger’s junk in your mouth, use whatever toothbrush is at your disposal to at least brush your teeth afterwards. And don’t forget to rinse!

2 comments:

  1. leah mclaren meets kevin smith.

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  2. Your Secret Admirer, Big "A"January 14, 2009 at 1:50 PM

    Sometimes when I pick through your trash out on the street, I often find quite a few tooth brushes in the same bag. Most of them appear only slightly used and I often get a couple months use out of them.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm concerned that I always seem to find way more tooth brushes than condoms. All I'm saying is there's a lot of creeps out there and you should always use protection cause you don't know what kind of dick cheese a guy is growing.

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