Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Brekfist

I need new breakfast ideas.


On a side note, I still remember when I learned what “breakfast” meant. It was in the second grade and my English teacher pulled me aside after she was marvelled that I actually spelled the word correctly. Most of the other kids had written “brekfist” or some other Britney Spears-esque mutilation of the term. In fairness, I went to a French first language school starting in pre-k, even though my parents didn’t speak a word of French. They’re cruel like that. Most of the other kids were in the same boat, so ironically we were all slightly ESL even though we were all EFL. Most of the kids in grade 2 and under sounded like Nell when they tried to speak proper English. At recess it was all ”Chicka, chicka, chickabee! T'ee an me an t'ee an me? Ressa, ressa, ressa me!” which usually meant something like “why the fuck did my asstard parents put me in French school and seal my fate as a short-bus kid??”


Anyfrog, our English teacher was obviously blown the fuck away when she saw that I knew how to spell. I still remember she was like “what the shit?” and I was all “I know.” Anyway, she explained that an easy way for me to remember how to spell it was that it meant “breaking the fast from the night before” and I was like “bitch, did you not just see that I ALREADY spelled it right?!”


I digress.


I’m so sick of cereal. Especially since I gave up cinnamon toast crunch to try to eat healthier shit like all bran buds. Now it feels like I’m eating a bowl of cat shit every morning. People are always like “ooh! I know! Jazz it up with some fresh berries! Or try vanilla soy milk – yum!” That’s when I close my eyes and exhale deeply for 10 seconds until they feel awkward and slowly back away. No. These things don’t make cat shit taste better.


I made the mistake of asking one of my healthy friends what she ate for brekkie. She told me to try these scones from the health food store downstairs, so I have been getting them for the past few weeks. They’re made out of like recycled newspaper, essence of wheat germ and whole wheat youth enhancers or something. They’re fucking disgusting. Every time I take a bite I want to vomit with rage. I gag like a 15 year old sampling a meat pole for the first time. Yet still I order them every morning because I’m trying to eat right. Also there are about 15 flavours, so every morning I’m like “THIS time…” and I try banana soy instead of carob celery or whateverthefuck. And every morning my eyes well up with bitter tears of hatred towards my hot and toned GF for being able to tolerate this disguised cardboard. They don’t even LOOK appetizing. Today my office mate remarked “that looks like something that came out of a large animal’s ass” while I was attempting to choke down a particularly dry yet diarrhea-y piece. No more.


So, help me out. And don’t suggest anything that involves me doing any kind of meal preparation at home. I can’t do anything in the morning other than be bitter and cunty, which takes all of my energy. And please don’t suggest I just chug coffee like all the other zombies I work with. Everyone knows that coffee alone on an empty stomach is a recipe for dark, watery ass puke. We all know this.

12 comments:

  1. I suggest boiled hot dogs, dipped in salsa. Give it a shot...in the mouth.

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  2. I like that when I leave this webpage open the bottom of my screen reads "Just The Tip: Brekfist". Appetizing.

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  3. Quaker instant oatmeal. Just add water - easy to make at your desk. Tastes half decent and comes in flavours for variety. Add fruit if you feel so inclined. Better than cat poop.

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  4. a healthy brekfist aint gonna make no GD dent in your waist orbit. those late night ketchup and cream pies are the real culprits. i vote for captain and captain for brekkie (crunch and morgan, of course)

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  6. a mouth full of cock, I've heard manjuice coats the stomach readying it for multiple cups of coffee. Plus at 50 cals a splooge it's like an activia yogurt which claims to combat watery asspuke.

    Try it for two weeks and if you're not fully satisfied, at least J will be.

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  7. you could also butter up your bacon and bacon up your sausage...

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  8. Your Secret Admirer, Big "A"January 14, 2009 at 1:32 PM

    I just love watching you eat breakfast naked when you think no one is watching.

    I don't think you should stop eating cereal either. It gives me shivers when you shove way too much in your mouth and milk drips slowly past your lips, down your chin and silky white throat onto your chest. My favourite part is when you try to lick the milk off your tits. You're not flexible enough to do it, but boy do you try.

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  9. Word up to Mrs. Collins. And who is this ditch-pig, Big "A"? I'm adding him to my list of filthies to destroy.

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  10. Pre-packaged Muffins from Cost-co, bought by the two-dozen. Half chocolate-chip, half blueberry. Euros eat their desserts at burkfust. and an apple wakes you up better than a cup of coffee. science proved both.

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  11. http://shopwith.whoisbaby.net/2008/03/14/sams-club-muffins/

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