Monday, January 19, 2009

You Shut Your Mouth When I'm Not Talking To You

I just got caught in an elevator alone with a straight man twice my age (read: we have nothing in common). For a few blissful moments, I thought I was going to be alone for the ride, which takes a good two minutes to travel the 60-odd floors to where my office is located. I fucking love being in the elevator alone. I can scratch myself inappropriately, see how far I can get burping the alphabet (so far I'm at "B"), do that thing where you either jump or crouch as the elevator comes to a stop (trust - that shit does NOT get old) or play Mission Impossible and throw my back against one of the walls and aim my fake silencer at the doors. Sometimes I even kick the doors for extra effect. Anyway, not today. Just as the doors are closing, in walks this suit. I recognize him but don't remember his name. Here is a transcript of the conversation that ensued:

Me: "Hello. How are you?"
Suit: "Great. You?"
M: "Oh you know. Just got some lunch to eat at my desk" (insert "aw shucks" arm move and knowing mom-smile)
S: "Ha. Yeah. Me too." (shows me his paper bag in case I think he's lying)
M: "Yeah. Lunch….is good. When you're hungry."
(awkward silence for 10 floors)
M: "So….um….good weekend?"
S: "Uh...yeah. You know. How 'bout that snow?"
M: "Oh I know - it totally snowed. Everywhere."
S: "Yeah it was so snowy. This weekend. After that snow…storm."
(Both check blackberries even though we both know there are no new emails. Why must we be getting off on the same floor.)
M: "Well, that's winter for ya. What can you do."
S: "Yep. Probably get some more."
M: "Oh, I don't doubt it! (hysterical laughter) Well, see you around."
(S walks away without looking back).


Why must we play this ridiculous game? It's like when you ask someone "How are you?" in the hall. You don't give a rat's vagina! So why do we insist on upholding these social niceties? I'm over it.

Starting now, I'm not saying shit when faced with this type of scenario. If I'm caught in a situation where I have to be alone for some short span of time with another human being, I'll give them a quick smile and a nod, then look straight ahead in bone-chilling silence. If that person dares to utter something along the lines of "(sigh)..Mondays"; "Almost the weekend, eh?" or "seems like everyone's getting sick, doesn't it?" I will look them square in the face and utter one of the following responses:

- "Yep, I hate Mondays too! Don't you also hate A-rabs? I mean they are just the worst! Am I right?"
- "I know, I can't wait for the weekend. It's so annoying keeping my dick taped back all week. Mother always said I made a pretty girl, though."
- "I know…I feel bad. I knew I shouldn't have slept with the whole IT department but hey, it's been a slow winter."

Alternatively, maybe I'll just start the conversation with something that will hopefully lead to precious silence the moment it comes out of my talk-hole. For example:

- "Man oh man! What. A. Weekend. You think abortions would get easier the more you have 'em but fuck. It's like it's the first time every time."
- "Daaaamn I hope this elevator hurries up because I am feeling capital C-claustrophobic and I just want to stab one of you over and over. You know? Just stab-stab-stab-stab in and out till you stop screaming?"
- "Does anyone else hear the sound of clown laughter over and over in their head?"
- "Have you accepted our Lord and Saviour Jesus into your heart?"
- "Is it me or does semen taste different these days?"
- "Hey did you know it's illegal to have sex with someone who is under the age of 13? Pfft, news to me!"

People really just need to learn to shut the chode up and embrace the awkward, or else be prepared to embrace my knee with their crotch. If we work together, I'm confident we can stop small talk by 2012. So please, don't be a period squirt. Do your part. The next time someone says "How are you?" just laugh and say "Well, day 29 without a herpes flare up!" and wink at them. Later in the day, send them an email asking if they want to go to dinner. Repeat with every person you encounter. Soon everyone will be afraid to talk to you, and you'll be free to make blowjob gestures to the security cameras in the elevator in peace.


  1. The best trick is to just say nothing back, it puts huge awkwardness on them, and makes them feel like they've just breached some code, or that you're a mute.

  2. The best thing to do is to let one rip..... nothing says "abort the stink chamber" like a leaving a nice juicy one for them to smell.