Does anyone have a dragon or maybe a fleet of carrier pigeons I can borrow to take me here:
Seriously, let's go! If we run fast enough we can make it in time for the big speech! Or at least in time to egg Bush's helicopter as it flies off into the sunset...forever. Let's get 'em! Also why does Bush get to leave in a helicopter? Shouldn't he ride off into the night on a blind mule or something? Exactly.
I heard B (as in Barack, not Bush. I will refer to Bush as "S" for "Satan") is going to spike a football onto the cold hard American soil at the end of his address while screaming "Who's ya daddy, Americaaaaaa!" Also, apparently every time he says "yes, we can!" 14 pristine white doves wearing red ribbons around their necks will fly out of his asshole. I know - I can't wait!! PS - Michelle looks hot, as per usual. She's wearing a yellow Isabel Toledo dress and matching jacket. Izzie is a Cuban-born American fashion designer based in The Greatest City in the World, aka New York. Nicely done, Mishka (I'm calling her that from now on). Also, she brought Laura B. a present! In a white box with a red bow (to match the doves, obvs). What could be inside??? I REALLY hope it's either a custom-made dildo that says "once you go black..."; a dead possum with a note around it's neck that says "stop calling me" or a shamwow. Best of all though would just be a little note with Mishka's perfect calligraphy that says "fuck you." Fuck she's cool.
So what do we think big O was doing this morning at 6 am while getting ready to make history and change the course of the natural world as we know it? I'm guessing he woke up to a wicked blow-j courtesy of our girl Mishka. After that he probably did 1000 sit ups, then 1000 push ups with his two girls sitting on his back. Next he probably watched 2 episodes of Planet Earth. D. Attenborough is his BOY. Then I'm thinking he changed his facebook status to "OMG!!!I'm totes almost the PREZ, BITCHEZZZ!" Finally, I believe he asked his family for some private time in his boudoir, stripped down to some tighty whities that say "HOPE" on the crotch, and blasted Britney's "Circus" while lip synching into the mirror. Seriously - picture it. He was totally like "All eyes on me I'm the centre of the ring just like a cir-cus!...when I crack that whip everybody gon' trip just like a cir-cus!" He knows all the words.
I wish we had a cool Prime Minister.