I told you last time, red bull - we're OVER! How can I make myself more clear? Stop calling me. Stop emailing. OK?? Just go away!
No, I will NOT sleep with you once more for old times' sake, so forget it. I said no! Stop looking at me like that!
Remember last time when you said we would just talk? And the next morning I woke up next to that dirty hipster who wore his socks to bed? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. It's all your fault! And remember the time before that when you told me I didn't need to wear pants in public and I believed you?? Yeah, thanks again for that one. Oh, and remember when you totally RUINED the radiohead concert for me? You buttered me up, told me I should keep drinking you because I was tired and you would help me? How does not remembering a second of the show help me, you deceitful shrew??
I know what you're going to say - "it wasn't me, it was grey goose." I'm sick of you always blaming old grey. We had plenty of good times that we can actually remember before you ever came around in the first place, you vile panty-removing beast!
Yet somehow, you weaseled your way down my throat once again last night. You were all "let's get it on" and I was like "no....no I can't!" and you were like "baby, you know you want it.....c'mon. You know I won't hurt you" and I was like "no....fuck....ok just the tip." We all know how that game ends.
And here we are again. It's 3 o'fucking clock in the afternoon and only now have you started to release me from your evil sugar-free grip. I'm tired. I'm irritable. I feel like a bag of dicks. I have shit to do you blood-stained taint! But I'm not getting any of it done, am I. No, because someone wouldn't stop coursing through my veins all GD night. I was so full of bull testosterone at 4 am that I sexually assaulted some poor unsuspecting sleeping victim. Now his life will never be the same. Did you think about THAT when you told me to have just two more sips?? No. After that I made 41 to-do lists, disinfected the entire house with bleach, wrote a "congrats, betch!" letter to Obama, mailed the shit, made 17 snow angels, organized all of my neighbours' recycling boxes alphabetically and gave myself a makeshift bikini wax by just tearing out all my hair with my own bare hands. Then I spent an hour hunting a recently escaped cougar from the Toronto zoo and took it down with a strangle-hold, which I didn't even know I knew how to do. I don't even know who I am anymore!!
So guess what. I'm NOT going to drink the other can of you that's in my fridge for tonight. That's right. We're done. This time I mean it, you traitorous whore!
I won't even have just a sip. Well....maybe just for second. Just to see how it feels!