Thursday, January 15, 2009

OMFG.

This post is mostly for the ladies (sorry, men-folk, I’ll talk about how big your dicks are later).

I need to vent about The Greatest Show of Our Time, aka Gossip Girl. I assure you I won’t be writing about Rufus’ greasy dad-bangs every week. There is already a far better source for recaps and rants, if you’re interested:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/01/gossip_girl_notices_it_has_a_p.html?f=most-commented-24h-5 (this past week’s analysis – check the archives – pure gold)

But seriously. WTFS (what the fucking shit) is up with this show lately? Season 1 was all argyle sweater vests and headbands and knee-high socks and cherry poppin’ and backstabbin’ and bitch slappin’ and cock teasin’ and other fun high school accessories and activities. All I want is some hair pulling followed by some making out with someone else’s boyfriend!! And more of Nate’s eyebrows and Chuck’s sneer and Blair’s demon-bitch-death-stare. Is that too much to fucking ask?

This season has been extraordinarily sub-par on all accounts, other than perhaps Chuck’s wardrobe, which still pales in comparison to the early days. I also enjoy the recent addition of the Twins (not one of the various pairs that Chuck bones – rather Serena’s lovely lady lumps. They’re totally prepping her for a real life boob job, you were right, K.). But the following people need to die, and soon: Rufus, Lily, Vanessa, Jenny, and possibly Dan. OK, definitely Dan. He’s so last season.

How can these 5 sewer rats be killed off in one fell swoop? I suggest that some kind of Cloverfield-like monster attack their Brooklyn loft (totally believable that the 5 of them would all be hanging out together – perf!) in a zany plot twist no one sees coming. Think of how good the previews alone would be:

[movie trailer guy voice]: “IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING SEEMS PERFECT…. (montage of all the barf couples giggling at each other)….SOMETIMES….(quick shots of everyone’s confused / shocked / upset faces)…..IT’S NOT.”

Cut to lizard-tail slithering around the empire state building and everyone screaming. They can straight-up use footage FROM Cloverfield!! (They could use the money. Have you seen Cloverfield? Exactly.) Then the monster conveniently starts attacking the Humphrey residence first (Lily and Vanessa would be there and they’d all be having a 90s rock jam sesh).

Mid-attack, Serena, Chuck and Blair arrive at the scene. Serena waits till the monster eats Vanessa, then distracts it with her tatas while Chuck stabs it with a diamond-encrusted BassEmpire brand saber just once, causing it to burst into flames and disappear instantly, leading Chuck to scream “I am Chuck Baaaasss!” As a result, he gets his balls back and immediately drains their slimy innards into Blair’s waiting vag. She climaxes just before the credits roll. People will be so distracted by this moment which WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR that no one will even remember the tragic carnage that took place only seconds earlier.

Finally, to seal the deal, the next episode they all go to Harvard and all they need is one off-the-cuff conversation between S+B along the lines of:

Blair: “Ew, it was so gross when that dragon-creature thing got it’s death juice all over my new Alexander McQueen open toe booties. God.”

Serena (in her usual pouty voice): “B, please. Dan died, and so did my mom, ok? And the others. I’m just…not really ready to move on.”

Blair: “Oh please, those four Harvard jocks just totally checked out your rack when we walked by. Why dwell on the past when the future’s so hot? C’mon, I’ll get Dorota to get us some coke for our first day.” [Cue Serena’s giving-in smile and them holding hands and running towards campus]. Enter four new hot man-candy characters, aaaannd scene.

You know you love me…

xoxo

5 comments:

  1. sweet mary, mother of jebus. someone give this girl a job writing for southpark. or playgirl. "immediately drains their slimey innards" is the hotest thing i've read since the script for 2 girls/1 cup.

    ReplyDelete
  2. playgirl folded, at least in print, that's why M decided on a career as an amateur blogger and premature lawyer.

    m, can we please see some of your gracious commentary on why it is not okay for bois to replace their bodily fluids with booze and try to molest you with the vague promise of limp dicks and dutch ovens?

    ReplyDelete
  3. M. censor me some more - thank you sir may I have another...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Never stop blogging. especially about Gossip Girl.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Damn Blair. Damn her to hell.

    ReplyDelete