Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tie one on...

Dear Guy Who Can't Get Laid,

Start wearing a tie every day. Call me when your dick is a gooey puddle of its former self due to raging overuse.

Kisses,

m

* * * *

As I shuffled through the dreaded PATH this morning, clutching my recycled cardboard scone (still, I know) and elbowing my way past all the other suited zombies, I noticed an alarming number of "men" wearing full suits with no ties. We're not talking "ohmyfuck I can't believe I finally had that threesome last night!!!!! I'm so out of it I'm wearing my girlfriend's underwear and forgot my tie! FACK!" That would actually be fair and, let's be real, hot.

These are guys that can also be caught wearing sunglasses in the PATH. WHERE THERE IS NO SUNLIGHT. Read: they have season's passes to Doucheville.

Most of them have a little shit-eating grin going on as well, like "Hey. That's right. I'm not wearing a tie. I know. That's just me. I play by my own rules. Yeah."

Little do they know that pretty much every woman is thinking the same thing "I so don't want to be anywhere near your dick."

Here's the deal, GWCGL. All of you, yes - even you, look 210% hotter when you're wearing a tie. Fact. (If you're not reaching for a tie as you read this, you should be. Go!) There are only a few situations where it is acceptable to not be wearing a tie:

1. Halloween
2. Sex* (* we'll come back to this)
3. In the shower

Otherwise, unless you're actively trying to get less head on a day to day basis, I should be able to hear you working that Windsor knot as I type this. You should wear one every day. EVERY day. But ESPECIALLY if you wear a suit to work!!!! There are very, very few men who can pull off the suit + no tie look. For your convenience, I have located these rare examples and posted them below. Observe:

1.

2.

You'll notice that one of the exceptions is BATMAN. Is this becoming more clear? I mean he's fucking BATMAN, ok?? You'll also notice that Alfred (who is a PIMP) IS wearing a tie. Even though bitch is SO bad-ass, he knows how to handle his shit. His glory days have come and gone (even though I'd still totally sit on his face in a second) and girlfriend knows this. As such, he keeps it tight and sexy by the adding of tie to neck. Well played, you delicious old beast.

Here's what: women like the following three things a lot:

1. money
2. power
3. sex

Nature.

The tie, whether we realize it or not, is a symbol of all three. Let's attack them one at a time, shall we?

1. MAKE MONEYMONEY MAKE MONEYMONEY MONAAAYYY!

I know there are some scunts out there reading this going "noooo! I don't care about money! Blahblahblah!" Bitch, I'm going to slap those words out of your Dior-coated lips. End it.

True, women care LESS about money ever since those hot-ass suffragettes told us we could use rolling pins as dildos instead of pie-making instruments, throw some shoes all up on our bare feet and trade in a handful of screaming brats for a handful of dolla dolla bills by gettin' PAID ourselves!

Now that we can make our own cash money instead of only being able to acquire it in exchange for exclusive ownership of our vajacquelines, it's less of a necessity for the men in our lives to be packing coin as well. Thanks, we're good.

Still.

Who doesn't like the idea of MORE benjamins? Even you hot sluts out there who own one pair of hand-me-down jeans and spend your summers building schools for poor little tykes in the Third World get wet at the thought of more dough. Hello - more schools! More food for the starving kidlets! Point being, you don't have to be a materialistic asswhore to love money. No matter what you plan to spend it on, it never really hurts to have double. Check.

A guy wearing a tie makes dollar bills appear in women's eyes just like in those awesome old-timey cartoons. KA-CHING! Cuz for real, if buddy is willing to spend $100 on a difficult and restrictive piece of clothing, he's probably willing to spend it on you, too.

2. BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!

While women enjoy getting off in a sexy-time way and are pretty good at doing so themselves thanks to the Rabbit (so I've heard...I'm still too scared to use mine!!! eeeee! It's collecting dust in my closet, that $60 stealing son of a bitch!), nothing gets a woman off like power.

There are two basic ways for women to become all-powerful:

1. Work your fucking ass off
2. Steal it from some guy

While I *hope* that most women prefer the first option since it's challenging and amazing, I know that that's not the case for all the ladies out there. And as with money, even if you have your own power to begin with, who doesn't want a little bit more if presented with the opportunity?

This opportunity, according to most women's subconscious calculations, can often be found in the form of a penis wearing a suit + tie combo. Seriously, bitches don't even think about it. You see three dudes walking by in baggy jeans and ironic t-shirts, you stare right through them at the chick walking behind them with the killer heels. You see three ties walking by, your ovaries start purring. I'm telling you, it's fucked. The tie brings it hard.

3. SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (in your mouth)

Fuck. I always get so horny around this time in the afternoon that just writing that made me consider typing "library gangbang" into google on my work computer. Anyway.

The third (and most important for your purposes, GWCGL) power of the tie is that it makes a lot of women think about sex. Well, at least this lustful bay street hussie. What are we thinking, exactly? Generally a dizzied assortment of the following:

1. Nice tie. Nice suit. Good dresser. I bet he shaves his balls. I want them.
2. I want to tie him up / want him to tie me up with that tie.
3. I want to pull him into my body with that tie.
4. I'm going to hold onto that tie when I'm riding him.

True story.

So, GWCGL, are you convinced yet? I hope yes. Because unless you're this guy



you need to tie one on.

11 comments:

  1. i'll start wearing a tie everyday if women start:

    1. wearing push-up bras. your little friends shouldn't look like a couple of bags from the grocery store unless you just purchased two of the ripest, most supple apples/oranges/cantelopes.

    2. wearing patterned leggings. i don't care if other women think you're a slut - they probably think that anyway. help a brother out and give your stems some life.

    3. wearing clothes that fit. if you think that "flowing top" fools some guy into thinking you're not just hiding your "muffin top", think again honey. we know. and we're not impressed.

    p.s. wear a dog-collar for a day and tell me how much you like it. if you already know that you do, please just smile contently to yourself - you win.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I guess I have to thank my sweatshop masters then for all the green in my suit pockets, the irresistible air of power that surrounds me and the ladies that throw their privates at me whenever I walk down the street.

    Thank you for making me wear a tie every day executive committee! You are oh so kind....

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. Anonymous the First: nice. Your comments are tough but fair. I will report back to the lumpy titted, flowy-top wearing others (I FUCKING HATE THOSE TOPS!!!!!!!!!!). Also you like dog collars? And more importantly patterned tights??Um, what are you doing later tonight?

    2. BK - you look hot in everything but still - rock the tie my friend. Trust this. P.S. Trying to come to NY in maaaaaaay!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ALSO why is no one talking about how fucking hot Bale, Vintage Brad and Mr. President are in those pics??? They are really the only relevant or notable part of this entry. I'm just saying.

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  5. Blogger - perhaps you should have referenced BALE from a different movie to prove your point. BALE wore 3 button suits in BATMAN - (what is this, 1994?) - BATEMAN on the other hand, was a trend-setter who's fashion sense still reverberates on Wall Street to this day. Please revise your post accordingly.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoIvd3zzu4Y

    ReplyDelete
  6. An even better style icon would be Edward Fox, circa 1973's The Day of the Jackal. Fox has affirmed that he's never worn jeans a single time in his entire life.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6xMnTPEzPo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Flamingo SpidermanApril 17, 2009 at 12:43 PM

    Yo M!!!!

    How's my favorite scunt doing these days? You sound a little pissed off!!!

    Food for thought:
    All the men in the world are screwed;
    a) they control half the money supply
    b) women control the other half
    c) but women control 100% of the pussy supply

    Any questions????

    ReplyDelete
  8. Flamingo...

    "b) women control the other half"

    FAIL.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Flamingo SpidermanApril 18, 2009 at 1:56 PM

    You all just hurt my feelings!!!!! I'm going into the corner to cry!!! boo-hoo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Girl Who Never Updates Her Blog...

    ReplyDelete