Thursday, April 2, 2009

Men = Dicks

By which I mean, men should probably be viewed from here on in as being just giant (if you're lucky) walking penises.

This could really work out well for the ladies as long as you keep your expectations focused on the dick and what it can do for you. According to the charming bachelors from the comment section in my last post, most men view us as a walking pair of tits, so why not return the favour! Trust, this can work out well for everyone!

That being said, girls, if the peen doesn't work (cough*Sare*cough) it should be promptly discarded along with your former hopes and dreams of having actual man friends who like you for more than the possibility of drunken ass sex if their insane girlfriend wakes up one day.

Mouahahaha. Just kidding boys!! You know I love you. I'm just trying to generate some more heated comments because this shit is hilarrrriiious to read! You guys are totally serving each other (oooh, snap!) and it's glorious. More! More I say - more!

Personally I don't buy a lot of these comments. I have tons of actual guy friends! Though recently several have confessed their secret hard ons for me, but... shit. Damn it. Whatever. I'm going to make a list and report back! I'm SURE I have some real PMFs (platonic male friends) in my life! I swear!

GIRLS I want to hear from you. Type your heated little hearts off, please. The Official Post on Platonic Friendship is coming soon!

Finally, sorry this post is so unbelievably lame and not funny. Just wanted to give you something and let you know I loves the comments. I'm currently having a bit of a personal crisis involving....drum roll.....a boy! Little brother to be exact. Even the men in your own family can be bastards! Anyway the little bastard is having brain surgery (yes, BRAIN SURGERY) in Thailand on Sunday. I know...selfish! Thanks for injuring yourself doing some retarded man activity and causing me to now be crippled with fear and anxiety until I know you're out of the gray zone, bitch. It's funny because I'm trying to yell at him through the interweb but he's clearly not reading this since, well, he's bandaged up in a Thai hospital. MEN NEVER LISTEN!

In conclusion, today's lesson is that joking about shitty shit - whether it be man-dicks or skull fractures - helps you calm down and not freak out. Believe.

Know what else helps you calm down? Sex. On that note, I need to make some phone calls.

Platonically yours,



  1. Did you know: Women use 20,000 words a day while men only use 7,000.

  2. What! Cool fact. Thank you, Anonymous. I believe this shit. Most men I know usually just grunt (when they want something, on the phone, after sex, etc), where as most women I know only stop talking when they physically run out of breath. That's how I am, at least. I have so much pointless shit to say I had to start a fucking blog! blahblahblahblahblah! Still, I'm sure people find me super interesting and relevant, right?... right?! (hysterical nervous laughter)

  3. Did you know: Of those words Women use 1,000 unique words while men use 5,000 unique words. (vocabulary)

  4. Dear get-Bently (I know you'll like that)

    Here are some wholly unoriginal words for you on behalf of all of us po-vo (poor vocab) women:

    "Eat me."

  5. Flamingo SpidermanApril 4, 2009 at 11:04 AM

    All kidding aside, I hope all goes well with your brother. I'll say some prayers for him.

  6. The Raunchy Approach:
    It's easy to have men as platonic friends! All you have to do is... let one rip! Yes, a classic monster fart among guys that you have hung around with for a while, but you think they are starting to creep will solve all problems. Hahaha

  7. OMG That is such a turn on.