Saturday, March 28, 2009

Spring Time is for Lovahs

Hello assorted whores and man-whores!

It's a gorgeous day in the neighbourhood! Mr. Rogers has already stopped by once for a quickie. Old guy knows how to handle his shit, I'm telling you! I made him draw the blinds though. I don't need to deal with two types of gag reflexes.

In case you haven't noticed because you're indoors working for the man like me, spring is in the air! Which means love (or least copious amounts of estrogen and testosterone) is also in the air. Fact. We've all seen Babmi, right? If there's anything I've learned in life I've learned from Disney movies. Crabs have Jamaican accents. Candlesticks haves French accents. Siamese cats and people have slanty eyes. Black people talk in jive-speak and wear pimp hats and don't work. All women are either virginal, obedient housewives or monstrous old evil hags. It's just science!

Anyracism, as you will recall, In the SPRING, an adult Bambi is reunited with Thumper and Flower as the animals around them begin pairing up with other sluts. Though they resolve not to be "twitterpated" like the other savages in love, Thumper and Flower each leave with newly found bonefriends. Look at these two. She's like "wait till you see what's under my soft cotton tail" and he's all "I'm so pulling your ears like the forrest tramp you are when you have my third fluffy leg in your mouth." Yum.

Bambi is disgusted, until he runs into Faline (mmmhmmm) and they become a couple. Score!! As they happily dance and flirt through the woods, another buck appears who tries to force Faline to go with him. Bitch! Though he initially struggles, Bambi's rage gives him the strength to defeat the older buck and push him off a cliff and into a river below. Fuck, I'm so turned on right now...

And so we learn that pairing off and porking in the woods is only natural in the spring. Everyone becomes Twatterpatted (a spin off of Disney's PG term, meaning "wanting to pat or have one's twat patted") and there's no fucking way around it!

This leads me to my question du jour: Can straight men and straight women (sorry gays, I'll talk about your sexier and more interesting politics on this issue another time) be friends? I'm talking FRIEND friends. Real friends. Not "I tolerate you in public" or "we say hi when we're out in a big group." I mean, we talk on the phone, hang out alone sometimes, shoot the shit for hours even in a big group, etc, without the dude's peen accidentally falling into the chick's ass. Myth or reality?

I leave it to you, my opinionated young bucks, to throw some feedback all up in my comments section (or email me if you wish to remain discreet, i.e. if you're a coward) and I shall compile the results and report the ugly truth back to you. Meaning, I'll probably just give you my opinion on the whole thing, but I'd still like to hear what you have to say first. Sometimes other people have ideas too! I learned this from reading it on a bathroom stall, not from Walt and his infinite wisdom.

To be continued...

Twatterpattingly yours,




  2. Platonic love can exist between opposite sexes in two unique instances:
    1. Inequitable attractiveness levels
    2. Situations where a sexual relationship is totally out of the question. Ex. your girlfriend's best friend or sibling

  3. Both of those conditions are vulnerable to the abuse of alcohol.

  4. I think #2 has it dead on.

  5. Any guy will tell you (not in public though, or around other girls) that he only talks to girls because a) he likes to look at them; b) he likes to think that they like to look at him; and/or c) he anticipates that in some way he is planting the seed (no pun) for the "just in case" situation where his current GF (who would become insanely jealous (or more apt, insane) if he knew how much he talked to his platonic best girl friend) either leaves him or dies.

    Also I completely disagree with post #2.

  6. Re: any guy will tell you...

    Do you have a lot of baggage from a previous relationship? OR maybe you are speaking about your current girlfriend, in which case be straight with her instead of passively bitching about her being "insane" on someone's blog.

    My bf talks to his platonic best girl friend (who happens to also be an ex) all the time and it is fine with me. He has a great friendship with her, and maybe some residual attraction, and true the possibility that they could end up back together exists, but for now, he is happy with me and makes me feel secure, so I don't feel jealous or the least bit insane.

  7. It took me so long to figure out where the comment box was that, despite the fact that I have so much to say, I'm too frustrated to use my fingers.

  8. Blogger 2 above, I wouldn't expect you to understand - for the obvious reason.

    I also appreciate the fact that you verified the accuracy of my posting,

    "He has a great friendship with her, and maybe some residual attraction [Ed note: satisfies criteria (a) and possibly (b)], and true the possibility that they could end up back together exists [Ed note: satisfies criteria (c)], but for now [Ed note: the entire point of my comment], he is happy with me and makes me feel secure, so I don't feel jealous or the least bit insane."

    It's almost as if I wrote that post myself - amazing.


  9. I wasn't disagreeing with your point, I think those observations are probably true in a lot of cases, I just had a problem with the use of "insane" to describe girlfriends' reactions to men talking to their women friends.

  10. Excellent comments, all!

    You guys are so cute and civil. Awww. Me likey.

    Also, I wish I knew who any of you were. It seems like everyone I meet these days is named "Anonymous." Esepecially the guys I meet on Odd.

  11. A wise man once said: "If I wanted to be friends I woulda got a dog!"

    This horndog wants to be humpin your leg,,,, or whatever else falls on top of my yum rocket!

  12. Guys can totally use girls as friends - I don't mean 'use' like get advice from etc. I mean use like 'make use of' like getting something good out of it.

    Having a girl as a friend means you have an instant in with all of her hot friends. Having a girl as a friend is a good investment into a whole group of girls.

  13. Post above is 100% correct.

    Plus, having girls around legitimizes the guy to other girls at a club or bar, making it easier for the guy to pick those other girls up.

  14. Plus having platonic girl friends means boys can keep enjoying "mommy" privileges when they are between those tiresome, yet useful, girlfriends (meals prepared, rides offered, fragile little egos stroked, etc)

    I recommend studio "Body Bliss" to anonymous #5. It provides services that will really compliment your mentality. Since you only talk to women for sex, why not eliminate the necessity of talk altogether?! Awesome! And what is more you won't ever have to worry about them getting attached and becoming "insane" girlfriends. You can thank me later :)

  15. "Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina."

    That is all you need to know. Thank you, Kindergarten Cop!