Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"You Look Tired."


Seriously. I hate when people tell you that shit. Everyone hates it! So who are these fucktards who continue to make this hateful observation? Assholes. That's who.

The best is when someone follows up this clever assessment with "did you not sleep well?" or "were you up late?" No. I slept for 17 hours in a bed made entirely of gentle massaging finger tips, surrounded by 14 gossamer pillows filled with the downy eye lashes of a million newborn babies. What the fuck.

Of course I didn't sleep well you skid mark! Believe it or not, I did look in the mirror this morning, and we both know it looks like I've been punched repeatedly in the eyes. So, a less obvious, more helpful statement would be "is someone beating you?" Then we can all have a laugh about domestic violence and move on. But noooo, instead you crumple your pig face into a "it's sad that you're so irresponsible" expression and say "You look tired."

You might as well just say "you look like an inside out scrotum" because we all know that's what you mean. Why not just go for it? I'd rather hear "wow, you look like a sack of anal drippings!" than the passive-aggressive alternative, since that way I can fucking own it or at least punch you in the face.

And so I offer some replies for those of you out there who will eventually fall victim to this unsolicited and hurtful remark:

- "I do? It's probably because I was up all night fucking your boyfriend."

- "I know...but it's so much easier to abduct and torture innocent women when they're walking home alone at night. "Pick your battles" that's what I always say!"

- "I stayed up all night thinking of ways to slowly but surely break you down and ruin your life. It's coming along nicely, I should add. Well, see you."

- "Oops! Busted! I stayed out all night partying backstage and then getting high and naked with a bunch of leggy blondes. So how was dinner with your in-laws anyway? Did Marge make ham again? That's nice."

- "Oh, I'm not tired. My face just freezes into this revolted mask whenever you talk to me. Sorry...I'm working on changing that."

- "Really? Well you look like the horrible result of a broken condom."

- "I know. But hey, at least I only look like this after a night of jager bombs. It must suck to have that face no matter how rested you are."

- "What a nice thing to say. Thank you. You really are a good person. Teach me your ways, please. The world needs more people like you."

- "Well, at least I don't have an ugly vagina! Yep - everyone knows about that."

Sorry for the anger. I'm tired.

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