Friday, February 20, 2009

Homophone-ic Assholes


First of all, sorry for not writing for two weeks. I'm a giant horse cock. I know I have disappointed you, 4 people reading this (zay!). I'll make it up to you with a little Tuesday afternoon flagellation while listening to Bryan Adams' "I'm ready" on repeat. Believe me - I'll learn my lesson.

After getting the 42nd "your welcome" email from my assistant this morning as a reply to me thanking her for something (she's a good ho), I pretty much snapped.


When people molest the English language like this it makes me want to swim in a pool of Slumdog outhouse-style shit in protest. I'm not really sure if that's an effective way to protest but that's not the point! I'm thisclose to carving an apostrophe into my own forehead with a rusty spoon so I can point at it and say "you made me do this" while bitter tears of pain stream down my face the next time someone offends my eyes with this grammatical fuckery.

The only excuse you have for making this exceptionally dimwitted error is not passing the fourth grade. Shit, they probably taught us this in the SECOND grade, but I'm trying to be generous, because seriously.

I get that proofreading something like an email, text, bbm or facebook message is probably not high on your list of priorities. I mean, you're probably really busy and important, right? Plus you might be thinking "anything goes!" with these lesser forms of communication. Well fuckwad, you're wrong.

By all means, if you're comfortable being known as a walking blow-up doll, keep writing messages like "c u 2nite!!" That's fine. People will just assume you stopped trying on purpose and will at least feel a bit sorry for you. But if you write "See you tonight! Can't wait to get their and show you my new vibrator - your gonna think its awesome!!!" then it's (It's = Contraction of IT IS [or IT HAS] for the love of clit rings!) a whole new ball game.

Hey, I get that everyone has their (their = of or relating to them or themselves especially as possessors, agents, or objects of an action; his or her) occasional slip up. So you queef out the occasional "affect" when you mean "effect." But how, HOW I ask you, can you not just automatically remember that "you're" is the proper way to shorten YOU ARE?! 6-year-old ESL students know this shit. WHY DON'T YOU??

If you can't remember this stuff off by heart, then please do us all a favour and at least make an effort to read over your otherwise poetic words before you hit "send." If you can't even do this, just stop writing anything. Just...stop.

From now on you're going to have to rely on non-verbal communicaysh. Like Ursula said: "You've got your looks...your pretty face...and don't underestimate the importance of some body language!" You still have tons of options: An Arrested Development style chicken dance or bending over and pointing at your no-no hole are two perfect examples! YOU'RE WELCOME.


  1. Tu tu funny M. I see that shit at least too times a day, and it's not to funny, it has two stop.

  2. I think you wrote this real good!!!

  3. Does your no-no hole really mean yes-yes?

    I twat so!!!!!! You are my kinda girl!!!

    So long, and thanx for all the fish!!!

  4. Which version of "I'm Ready?" Studio or live?

    Yes, it does make a difference. Trust me,,,,, I was partaking of heavy smoke the last time he was in town,,, so yes,,,, it fuckin matters!

    Of course,,,, too much of either version will still cause you to cut your wrists with a rusty beer can.