"25 Reasons Why I'm a Loser"

What the scrote is up with this latest trend on facebook?? For those fortunate souls still unfamiliar with this new virtual equivalent of a getting a face full of hot fart in the shower, let me explain: even the most inactive FB users across the world are are suddenly crawling out of left field and vomiting out a list of "25 Random Things" about themselves. You can try dick-slapping yourself in the mouth now, but it won't make you wake up from this writemare.

I don't even know where to begin. First of all, everyone who gives a tit about you clearly already knows these "random" things you're writing about yourself. Your grade 6 teacher really inspired you and you still think about her?? You used to dream you would be a fire fighter when you were a child?? You play the trumpet?!?!WOW! STOP THE FUCKING PRESS! Jesus.

Have you read the blog "Stuff White People Like"? If not, you're probably one of their primary sources of inspiration. Some of the most recent entries include "Ugly Sweater Parties", "Pea Coats", "Frisbee Sports" and "Hummus." It's like looking in the mirror and crying, right? One of the entries on that list will soon be "Filling out Ridiculous Surveys on Facebook." Truth.

Maybe there are one or two things people don't know about you, but there's probably a reason for that. No one is supposed to know that you had a crush on your uncle growing up, or that you used to drown kittens. People shouldn't know about your dick cheese fetish or the fact that you've kissed your sister. Some things should stay in the vault. Still, it's only your secret shame that, while disgusting, is remotely interesting to anyone. You're left with the choice of either a) revealing your inner demons and possibly (probably) going to jail; or b) writing about how you like kite-surfing and miss your dead dog. News flash: no one cares.

And so, since I totally fall into about 95 of the 121 "Stuff White People Like" categories, one of which I think has something to do with rampant hypocrisy, I shall now add my list to the steaming heap of pointless cat shit on the Internet.

25 THINGS YOU WILL PROBABLY REGRET KNOWING ABOUT ME:

1. I practice peeing standing up in the shower (so that one day I can aim it perfectly into your waiting mouth).

2. I'm scared of The Rabbit. Peni should not be purple. Nor should they have the power of a lawn-mower.

3. I cried after watching "Two Guys, One Horse." Then I masturbated.

4. I like biting lipstick, but I never do it because Chanel Rouge Allure costs 36 fucking dollars. But it would be so, so satisfying. So would squeezing poo through your fingers, I think. The good, meaty-but-soft kind.

5. I love peeling off other people's too-much-sun skin. My goal is to one day peel off an entire, unbroken sheet of discarded burnt flesh from someone's back so I can hold it out and watch it flap in the wind. Skin flap.

6. I love staring at my own sweater cows in the mirror. I give them the thumbs up every morning while slathering them in the finest lotions. When I'm rich I'm going to hire someone to do that for me.

7. I'm still waiting for my Hogwarts Letter in the Mail. Soon....soon (rubbing hands together with eyes closed). WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR DUMBLEDORE?!

8. I often wish I was a lesbian. Girls are hotter and far more interesting (at least to other girls. Ok, to everyone).

9. I have zero desire to even make out with a chick, despite my best efforts at re-conditioning my brain via hours and hours of watching porn. We're talking, no desire. None. Like, I'm-worried-something's-wrong-with me none. Annoying.

10. At any given point in time, I'm plotting sweet and filthy revenge on someone, but I never carry it out because they're never worth it. Also, I still haven't figured out where to buy some pre-packaged ebola in Canada. Anyone?

11. If I wanted to, I could destroy you.

12. I want to punch my parents in the reproductive whore-gans for bestowing upon me the life long "gift" of kleenex-thin hair. Selfish! Couldn't they have brought in some hirsute stud and a turkey baster for the love of updos??! God.

13. When I was little I would only wear boy's underwear. For years. I loved how worried it made everyone!

14. Taking-the-pill-makes-me-feel-like-a-robot. I'm-talking-like-a-robot.

15. I can fit my whole fist in my mouth, but it makes me drool everywhere. But my drool can heal lepers so...yeah.

16. I would love to paint your teeth with nail polish. And your eyeballs. No, YOU'RE a fucking psychopath!

17. If I was a dude I'd be a huge slut. More so. I'd play just the tip all the time, and probably just the fist too. I'd also jerk off constantly. At work, in public washrooms, in the library, just fucking everywhere.

18. Giving birth terrifies me more than anything in the world. When I was 5 and my parents told me how the shit went down, I was like "is this some kind of fucking joke?!" And they were like "trust" and then I started punching myself in the stomach in advance, just to be safe.

19. I really, really want to push someone down the stairs. Or out of a plane. Or just over on the street. I used to push the other kids in pre-school. A lot. I also used to have an army of girls in grade 4 who would do my bidding, which mostly involved tackling and holding down the boys so I could step on their necks with my muddy shoes and let my spit hang over their face for minutes until I finally released it and watched it slide down their cheeks. God I miss being young.

20. OK, fuck. I'm quitting at 20 because THIS IS SO FUCKING BORING!!!!!!!!!!! See? Don't you feel like you've been molested by a relative after wasting 5 minutes of your precious time reading this? Do you not want to ram a coat hanger up my nose and out the back of my skull? Remember this when you're considering doing your own list on Facebook.

Ugh, I feel so dirty.