It's decided: each week shall now have two Sundays.
Seriously, how awesome would Double-Sun be? I'm confident it would rocket to the top of the pre-existing terrific "Double" things in life, which include fan favourites such as two scoops, double vodka sodas, doublemint gum, hot twins and of course the current lead, double penetraysh.
Every Saturday, I wake up at 7:00 am and reach for my suicide knife like I do every morning, before realizing "Holy fucking shit. I don't have to get up for five. more. hours. !!!" At about 7:01 am, a giant smile spreads across my hungover face and I fall back into delicious slumber, knowing that all I have to do today is jerk off, watch a movie, maybe get some groceries and then party even harder than I did on Friday night. FTW.
Sometimes I even fight the fall-back-asleep ferries tugging at my tired eye lids because I'm so GD comfortable and content all starfished out in my perfect bed that savouring that moment *might* be even better than sleep itself. I just peed a bit thinking about that.
You would think the same happy cycle would repeat itself on Sunday morning, Sunday being another weekend day, right? Not so.
Why? Because Sunday is a lying whore.
Every Sunday, I wake up at 7:00 am and reach for my suicide knife like I do every morning, and the only reason I let it fall out of my exhausted, puny grip after 15 seconds of hard contemplation and cost-benefit analyses is that I realize that I don't have to get up for five more hours. But the sleep-in that follows is not as sound as Saturday's blissful, sex-dream infused, all-morning power nap. No, the Sunday morning sleep-in is tainted. TAINTED I SAY! Tainted with the inevitable truth that you've been trying to deny: as soon as you get out of bed, every activity you do for the rest of the day, no matter how pleasure-filled, relaxed, exciting, or illegal it may be, will be contaminated by the fact that you have to go back to work tomorrow. And the next day. And the 3 days after that. It's the quintessential "FML" moment of every one's** week.
(**Except for all of you reality defying dream-rapists who are either still in school or who "make your own schedules." You can all curl a soggy, limp dick into your soggy, limp dick-sucking mouths. For the rest of us sad human sheep, Sunday has a completely different vibe than Saturday. The vibe feeling something along the lines of getting fisted in your beef whistle (<--shout out to JB for this new word that is disgusting enough to impress even me.)
Sunday, or Sunday I, as it SHALL soon be called, is the week-day equivalent of Just the Tip: nothing more than a pussy-teasing jerk store. Which is why, dear friends, I propose Sunday, Part II: Sunday's Revenge.
At first when I came up with the genius and clearly never-before-thought-of (yes...) idea of adding another day to the week, I thought the best day to add would be another Friday or Saturday, or something in between (Fraturday?). Clearly, Friday and Saturday are the best two days of the week. On Fridays and Saturdays, people get to be their true, disappointing selves, and nothing feels better. You want to sit around in your grandma sweat pants all day watching old episodes of Hang Time? You want to find out if tequila has an expiry date? You want to spend the day cutting out magazine and newspaper words to fashion threatening death letters to your various enemies? Hey, it's Fraturday. Giv'er.
But then, I thought, adding another "special" day to the week would do nothing to solve the weekly all-day FML that is Sunday I. Plus, we'd all die sooner due to the lost brain cells, lack of sleep, disgusting eating habits and STDs that go hand-in-hand with the Friday-Saturday dream team. The shorter my life, the fewer opportunities I will have to undertake complete world domination, etc. No deal. Sunday II it is.
Think about it. Sunday II is like the full-day equivalent of being able to hit snooze 72 times in the morning. And EVERYONE WHO IS HUMAN does this. No? Not you? Your alarm goes off at 6:30 am, and you jump out of bed with a smile on your face, ready to tackle the exciting challenges of the day? Get the fuck off this site, now, because I don't want your evil within 100 metres of this blog. Also, do the rest of us a favour and remove your supple human flesh suit, reveal the inner robot-demon within, and do something cool and destructive for us to watch on the 6 o'clock news. Go.
Where was I? Right. Snoozing = life. Sunday I is your all-day snooze button. Except that eventually, you do get up and then you have an entire day to ease back into week-day you, and an extra night of sleep to make up for the sleep you rightfully neglected on Friday and Saturday. More sleep = longer life = more opportunities to prove to everyone that you're not a failure. VICTOIRE!
In conclusion, if you like my ideas and wish to subscribe to my newsletter, please vote Yes on upcoming Bill 481: M as World Leader and Maker of All Decisions. In addition to making what we now call Sunday into "Sunday I: The Just-Kidding Sunday", I have a 5 year plan that involves bringing back dragons, an Island of Punishment for exes, calorie-free pizza and orgasms for women - the forgotten orgasms.