Friday, October 16, 2009

Spider Alley

I just saw a spider in my office and lost my shit.


HOW did you get in here, you vile arachnid?! Seriously though. I work in the tallest tower, so far from the ground below and all of the hideous creatures that inhabit it. The rational part of my brain tells me that it most likely rode in on some assistant's cubicle plant from IKEA (Side note - Fuck You, IKEA). The irrational part of my brain tells me that it was sent here by one of my enemies as some kind of sick, impending doomsday message. This is my version of being sent a cut-off thumb in the mail. Reveal yourself and your sources, you master of evil and mayhem!

I'm now whimpering in my desk chair like a puppy being left in its punishment crate over night, while simultaneously and frantically looking from corner to corner of the ceiling in rapid motion to check for furry accomplices. I actually look so paranoid and insane - I'm just waiting for a partner to walk in and then slowly walk out of my office backwards as he or she looks on in horror and I don't even notice their presence. Thanks, spider. Not only have you ruined my day but now you've put my career in jeopardy. I'm not even mad - I'm impressed.

Ever since I was a little girl I've been completely terrified of spiders, even more so than home invasion, my other crippling lifelong fear. Basically my biggest nightmare is bad guys (yes, I still call them that) breaking into my house armed with spiders. Can you imagine?? I would probably just stab myself in the neck with the knife I keep under my bed when I saw them to get it over with.

eeeeeeeee! spiders! !!!

OK. I believe I was born with my bone-chilling aversion to these petrifying pests, but it was made all the worse with Arachnophobia. That movie was such an asshole. Actually, scratch that. My PARENTS are the asshole for letting me watch it when I was EIGHT. Really, guys? Seriously? These are the same people who told me to watch The Exorcist when I was in grade 8. Um...good. That also didn't haunt my dreams for the next....what day is it? 14 years. Cool. I wonder if there's some kind of failure award I can nominate them for? I will look into this. The genius acting by my man Jeff Daniels and Mr. Johnny Goodman was not enough to balance out the millions of spiders everywhere. To this day I can't shower with my eyes closed....

FUCK! I just watched the shower scene clip on YouTube!! Noooooooo! Terrible, terrible decision. Oh God. Oh no. No no no. My stomach just turned into a hard rock of revulsion, all the hair on the back of my neck stood up then crumbled off like feta cheese, and I'm wiggling my foot so hard it might actually rocket off my leg. Why am I such a masochist?? Aaaaand here comes the vomit.

True story: when I was about 15 I was up at a cottage with my extended fam. Let me mention right now that I have made my (slightly irrational but fully real) fear of spiders known to anyone within ear shot since I started talking. I basically said "mama", "dada", "baba" and "If I see a spider anyfuckingwhere near me, everyone dies."

Anygross, my cousin's cousin (weird, get over it) and I were swimming in the lake. He is about 2 years younger than me and I believe had a crush on me at the time. I'm probably the first girl he ever saw in a two-piece, whatever. So we're in the lake, minding our own business, and suddenly a spider appears. In the water. This is WAY more than my weak 15 year old heart can deal with and I immediately start to choke-panic and flail around in the water like a kitten being drowned in a bucket. C, we'll call him, notices me clearly dying and, probably trying to impress me, traps the wretched thing with his bare hands. This sends me into writhing convulsions. I know I should be grateful when anyone traps a spider that is plotting my death (they ARE), but any human flesh contact with spiders (even someone else's) just destroys me. Somehow, though, I managed not to drop dead on the spot, and summon all of my many and varied powers to calm down, just a tad (just the tip).

So I'm treading water (which, on a side note, I'm ridiculously good at, and despite this was banned from becoming a lifeguard at 17 because I barely weighed a buck-even and apparently that's not strong enough for the rat bastard dream crushers at NLS!!!! Ok. Sorry.) and C, spider still trapped firmly in fist, suddenly gets a devilish glint in his eye. Before I have time to mutter "what are y---" he THROWS. THE SPIDER. AT ME.

Let's take a moment to let this sink in.




Not ONLY does he throw it in my direction, he hits me square in the cheek!!!!!!!!! With a SPIDER! My reaction? The millisecond its most outstretched "arm" (aka tool of the devil) makes contact with my precious skin I projectile vomit everywhere. Actually. Yes - this can happen. This is the nightmare world I live in.

I have never fully recovered from that incident. It still haunts my dreams on a bi-monthly basis. I'm now even more bat-shit cray-town whenever I see spiders, like the ones that inhabit "Spider Alley". Yes - Spider Alley.

They're doing construction (who's they?) all along the sidewalk on the way from my house to the streetcar, and to prevent us from being dominated in the face by falling debris, they've built this little enclosed walkway. I have made the trek under this makeshift tunnel about 100 times. At night, there are light bulbs to prevent you from kissing the pavement, but I've never actually looked up, until recently. I was walking with one of my friends who suddenly was like "wow! check out ALL the spiders up there!" Clearly upon these words registering in my virgin ears I freeze like a deer in the headlights, then make the regrettable decision to glance ever so slowly above me. Fail.

I can't even describe to you what I saw in those few seconds before I bolted out of that fucker like a ho being chased by her gun-wielding pimp, because the memory might kill me. Suffice it to say I will NEVER walk in Spider Alley again, and now have to walk in the middle of the unlit street instead, subjecting myself to the very real possibility of death by motor vehicle. Still, I'd rather be crushed into a pile of slippery goo than ever have a spider touch my face or be within a 1000 mile radius of the top of my head again.

May all your weekends be spider-free and full of whorish delights.



PS as I wrote this, the office wall spider has managed to disappear from my accusing and terrorized glance. NOOOOOOO! I will now be leaving work, possibly forever, after torching my office.


  1. There was a girl in my neighbourhood growing up who was afraid of mustard (truth - google 'fear of condiments') and my friends and I would chase her around the schoolyard armed with Heinz bottles. She always ended up crying hysterically and we never got tired of it. I should probably feel bad after reading this post, but... not really. I mean... its mustard. It can't bite you and doesnt carry posion like .. say... spiders... and its only slightly more intelligent then people who are afraid of it. So M - fear not! At least you are afraid of something legit.

  2. That shower scene is so intense!

  3. Hey m,



    P.S. See you next year, we will continue our secret love. I know you were into me, I was a cool 13 year. Just the tip, you'll love it.