D here, a young scoundramuffin looking to relate a reasonably hilarious story in the realm of "Wow, I may be one sick motherfucker, but this guy is the sickest of the motherfuckers"
The setting? Koh Phi Phi, Thailand
The title? "Sandra the Swede and the Incredible Bedroom Comedy of Errors" or in the alternative "Boner Jams" or in the alternative "Arr, this be the yarrest river-goin' boat thar be" or in the alternative "Pee-pee soaked heck-hole"
Note: the last three titles have nothing to do with the story
Note 2: Actually make that the last two titles have nothing to do with the story.
It's the summer of 2007, and D is traipsing through Southeast Asia with his pal Boner Dan.
At the same time, Sandra the Swede is also traveling through Siam, accompanied by a friend. That friend, unfortunately for all concerned, is large and in charge, and not the least bit jolly. Her name D cannot remember, but he has a feeling that it's possibly Helga. Helga is a whale.
D and Boner attend a Thai Irish bar, and come across StS and her big fat friend. Neither Boner nor D are willing to jump on the grenade that was Helga for each other, so the competition begins. Sadly for Boner, Helga's rather portly eyes pan in his rather unfortunate direction, and D snares her svelte companion.
A wonderful night ensues, notwithstanding Boner's attempts to ruin D's evening by refusing to love Helga strong.
Boner succeeds at blocking D's cock. D's cock continues to be blocked the following night, but that was more the 5 buckets of booze D crushed than Boner being a dick. Allow us to fast forward to that next night.
D and StS are getting friendly at a bar. Boner has already departed, sent home for being too drunk and unruly. On Boner's way home, his namesake is grabbed by a number of she-males as he stumbles by their lair. He is forced to flee and hide in some bushes, where he proceeds to pass out in the bush and wake up the next morning, but that's a story for another time.
Meanwhile, 8 buckets deep, D leans in and says something sexy like "Venshnort... Blach!... myfacefeelslikealmonds...SEX!!
...Heeeeyoooo". StS loves this, and makes it clear that she would like to engage in sexual intercourse with him, so D runs as fast as his muscular, toned legs can carry him to a nearby corner store, where he purchases a package of condoms, because they are part of it and important, and a package of pringles, not a part of it but still very important.
Back at StS and Big Fat Helga's guesthouse, some canoodling on a cheap plastic crap chair ensues. Unfortunately for all involved, the cheap plastic crap chair breaks, sending D sprawling onto the floor and, subsequently, off the ledge into a bush. He emerges with a very bloody nose and the makings of a broken arm. But with his eyes on the prize, he climbs back onto the deck, all sexy like Chris Farley climbing onto the stage in Tommy Boy at his dad's wedding before his dad has a heart attack and dies. D smiles alluringly, grabs StS's hand all sexy, looks into her eyes, and then he tries to mount her. StS expresses her preference that D stop bleeding on her first. 45 stupid, runny, non-clotting, non-coagulating blood minutes later, the fun begins again.
Big Fat Helga's big fat snoring provides the beat, like a love metronome.
Oh, D's mistake, he would be remiss if he did not mention that the young ladies were under the impression at this point in time that D was a philanthropist from Quebec named Cecil Barrington, and he had failed to correct that assumption.
Anywhale, the loving continues, and with each use/yell/moan of the name "Cecil", a prolonged drunken giggle in a French accent escapes. At this point, the 12 buckets of liquor begin to catch up to Cecil, and he unfortunately takes a nap whilst performing an activity that shall not be named. StS isn't even mad, she's impressed.
StS waits awhile for Cecil to wake up, prodding him and swearing at him in Swedish. Unfortunately, instead of lovingly resuming his love acts, Cecil's comatose body tumbles off the bed and onto the ground. Slightly perturbed, StS decides to go to sleep.
A few hours later, Big Fat Helga wakes up from her Sasquatch-slumber to go to the bathroom and to greet the day. Instead, she is greeted by a naked, starfished, grounded Cecil, who happens to have a (considerable) erection. Big Fat Helga departs, unimpressed.
Soon thereafter, Cecil wakes up and scrambles onto the bed. Some fooling around begins, and StS reaches for the recently purchased condoms while Cecil reaches for the pringles. 2 things immediately became evident: 1) Despite Cecil's whiteness and admittedly average size, he is still colossal by Asian condom standards 2) Cecil, in his drunken stupor and haste and love for pringles, has accidentally purchased "edible" chocolate-flavoured condoms. All involved parties are shocked and awed.
A "Titanic" farewell ensues. Sandra, my love, where doth thou are, you are in my thoughts... You're welcome.